December 23, 2009

How To Capture Santa

I have realized that I asked you to capture Santa Claus without giving you anything to work with. How could I ask you to put effort into something without actually helping you to help me?

And so, here are some TOP SECRET and FOOLPROOF way to KEEP SANTA from getting my DIABOLICAL PLANS. (I feel that saying things loudly and putting them in caps makes them more true.)

Foolproof Plan #1
Poison the cookies and milk. Simple as that. Now, I'm not saying that you need to go out a buy some arsenic--which could result in injury, what with all those elbowing, crazed last-minute shoppers. You could lace the milk with an entire bottle of Tylenol or mix bleach in with the cookie batter. Feel free to be creative with this one!

Foolproof Plan #2
Leave the fire on. Santa will land on it and will either a) burn to a crisp, b) fry/grill for ten minutes, at which time you should begin to marinate, c) burn his feet so badly that he just can't bear to go on, or d) form a crippling fear of fireplaces therefore at the next house he knocks down the door, is caught by the police and is sentenced to a lifetime in jail. You can hardly rule the world from jail, now can you, "St." Nick?

Foolproof Plan #3
Set mouse traps around the tree and fireplace. First of all, they'll hurt like crap and he's likely to yelp, which will awake you. When you wake up, you will run down the stairs and take him down the old fashioned way.

Hopefully, all, that has helped you a bit and you will all help me with stopping that menace.

From Your Future World Dictator,


Dahlia said...

Haha, awesome! I'll have to give those a try. I wonder if I'll have time to set them up today between batches of cookies...

Nadia Murti said...

Or you can set them up WHILE baking batches of cookies!

Luna Spring said...

Nadia your blog is refreshingly funny!