As my long-time readers know, Santa Claus stole my diabolical plans that I was going to use to take over the world.* He, of course, used them to control his elves--who are really just little enslaved children.* In January, I began drawing up some new, revised, and ever MORE diabolical plans to take over the world. And silly I, "forgot" my huge steel safe at the mall when I "dropped" it on the guy who was trying to get me to buy a cover for my phone at his kiosk (which probably would have been a good idea, in hindsight, seeing as my phone is pretty much an unrecognizable lump of metal because of all the times I've dropped it). So now, my diabolical plans are unprotected!
These super diabolical plans would be disastrous in the right hands! When they were with me, they were in the wrong hands, and I plan on using them in the suitable manner of using them to help me take over the world. Santa's hands are also the wrong hands, yet the right hands as well. Santa will inevitably take over the world with my plans, and he'd rule all wrong and disgrace my work! Also, how much would it suck if I came up with the amazing plans that I made and had it snatched away from me when triumph is so near?
Anyway, since I can't let Santa take my super diabolical plans, and I have no means of securing my plans, I need YOU! Since Santa lives in the North Pole, he's going to drop presents (which have mind controlling substances in them--MY mind-controlling substances, in fact!) in the homes in Europe, Russia, Greenland, Canada, and the northern states of America first.
So those of you who live in any of those places, I need you to set up traps and CAPTURE SANTA CLAUS! (Beware of his elves, though! They're notorious ankle-biters.) Otherwise, he'll take over the world, and that would be very bad.
From The Future Ruler of The World Who Is Counting On You,
*Read this to find out what I'm talking about.