December 23, 2008

Santa's Motive

Hmph...I suppose it's that time of year again, which means time to speculate.

"About... ?" prompts that odious reader from four entries ago.

About why Santa really sneaks into your house at night.

First of all, who would be stupid enough to invite a creeper like Kringle into their home with cookies and milk?! Do you want to see that diamond ring again? By the way, if you lose a sock on Christmas Eve/Day, it means Santa's elves took them because they're not paid enough to buy some of their own.

So once he gets in, he a) eats your cookies, b) lets his elves steal your socks, c) sets his reindeer on your presents (the ones your parents got you). And finally, he kidnaps everyone 7 years and under to work in his "toy factory." It's really a sweat shop!

I mean, have you ever seen in any Christmas movie the elves getting paid? No! What about eating? I think not! They are unpaid, unfed slaves!

"Are you sure? Don't you think they'd have revolted against him by now?" says my demonic reader.

"Yes, I'm sure, you insufferable know-it-all." (Who knows where that line is from?)

You see, even though I don't celebrate Christmas, Kringle/Nick/Santa came by my house and swooped up my written world dictation plans, therefore knew how to keep his "elves" in check. All you have to do is wait for one elf to make the smallest mistake and make a scapegoat out of him.

So, do you still think he's an innocent, happy, jolly ole' guy? Let's hope not.

"So, Ms. Murti, what do we do now with you oh-so-important revelation?"

Nadia, try not to strangle her, says Gregor.

Well, now you need to camouflage all of the children under seven years old as lawn gnomes. Also, instead of leaving cookies, leave him spinach. (Have you seen him! It would do him well to cut back on the sweets. Plus, he might smell it and immediately be put off his game.) Keep your socks in a high, hard-to-reach place. Remember to keep your presents in a safe. Lastly, and most importantly, keep your world dictation plans in a safe place. With them, he could become unstoppable. And that would be bad.

Okay, kids, hope that didn't scare you!


Dahlia said...

I agree that the elves are mistreated. I vote we join Hermione Granger's S.P.E.W. (Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare). That'll teach jolly old "saint" Nick a thing or two. Mwahahaha!!!

Dame Orchid said...

Nadia, I have found your blog to be refreshingly funny.:D

Nadia Murti said...

Thank you!

The line is from Harry Potter 1 (the movie). Snape is talking to Hermione.

BTW, I've just sent in my application to S.P.E.W. (Ha ha)

Chrissy said...

the only problem with embracing S.P.E.W is that if the elves are anything like the house elves then they want to work.

Chrissy said...

I agree and will join SPEW

Anonymous said...

Santa Clause should cut down on his diet, I mean have you seen him (of course you haven't because no one ever sees him)! In the movies it looks like he is about 450 lbs or more. But realisticly how does he get down the chimney if he is that fat? Wouldn't he get stuck or something? What if the fireplace was on?