February 09, 2011

Valentine's Day: The History, Use, and Impracticality

It's almost Valentine's Day, which means that it's time for the annual "V-Day sucks!" post. Unless you're talking about Velociraptor Day. I'm cool with Velociraptor Day.

Valentine's Day started when some guy named Saint Valentine married people in secret while the Roman Emperor outlawed marriage for his soldiers. Then Valentine was put to death. The End.

We celebrate Valentine's Day on the fourteenth because that's the day he was killed and buried. Romantic, right?

Now, no one uses the 14th to elope, but rather to pay $4 to get your school to deliver a balloon that 5 hours later, your valentine's bus driver will force her to let go of. It's mostly, of course, time for couples to prove to themselves and others that they have genuine feelings for their SOs. But let's be honest--they're probably only going to be dating for another week or so, and soon thereafter, they will be all, "Yeah, that was such a mistake. I don't even know why I went out with him/her!" Let me answer your question: It's because you are a child with no perspective.

Valentine's utmost use, however, it degradation and assertion of social status (I'll discuss this more later this week). Not only are boyfriends expected to make some public declaration of their undying love, but when and if such a thing occurs, do you know what nearly always happens? Something like this:

V-DAYer: Hey, what's up?
GIRL: Nothing, I'm cramming for th--
V-DAYer: Oh that's cool. Oh, you want to know what this is?
GIRL: No, that's ok.
V-DAYer: Matt just got it for me. They're roses he planted and grew himself with love water and they were nurtured by the sound of puppy giggles.
GIRL: Uh, ok...
V-DAYer: And these roses have the ability to serenade me. Because my boo just cool like that.
GIRL: Yeah, well, I sit with him at lunch, and he's constantly talking about how annoying you are and how hot your best friend is.
V-DAYer: Oh, you bitter girl, don't you have any magic singing flowers?
GIRL: Nope, thank God, those are incredibly creepy.
V-DAYer: It's ok, you'll find someone someday. Maybe. But until then, you need no boy to validate you!
GIRL: I think you're at least pretending to be nice, but don't worry about it. I honestly don't care.
V-DAYer: Whatever makes the tears go away.

Valentine's Day is incredibly impractical. I'm not even going to attack the meaning of V-Day now. We have so many holidays that are on the 2nd Tuesday of May and the 6th Day beginning with T of July and all that, but Valentine's couldn't be the second Friday? This year it's on a MONDAY! And you know what? People are still going to expect something special out of it, then when one says they need to study for their math test, the other will proceed to stuff their faces into a carton of their new boyfriends, Ben & Jerry, and cry themselves to sleep, sobbing, "This is the worst Valentine's Day EVER!", right before they type a passive-aggressive Facebook status.

Happy Velociraptor Day!

1 comment:

brave chickens said...

Puppy giggles?