January 15, 2009

How To Eat A Teddy Grahm

Yes, there is a special way to eat all your assorted bear-shaped foods--and here I am, teaching you how. It is important that you follow these procedures. If you don't, you may face death. And boy, that'll make you look stupid! Imagine that, murdered by a Teddy Grahm. So, if you would like to be saved the embarrassment, read on. If you want us all to laugh at you because your pinkie toe got taken off by a Gummy Bear, ignore this.

Step 1. Bite off the ears. This will keep them from hearing you as you advance to swallow them. If you take out the ears, it will take them a while to fight back.

Step 2. Take out the head. You may combine this with Step 1, but I don't like to. This movement will definitely keep them from resisting.

Step 3. Eat the appendages. Bear Foods can be like spiders. Even though you squash them (in this case, eat the head), the legs still move. So you need to eat the legs so it doesn't kick/punch your uvula and make you barf all your bears up. If you do upchuck all your bears, they will create a Food Bear Army, and kill you. OR, when you swallow them, instead of going down your esophagus, they'll climb up into you brain and take over your body for nefarious purposes. So, EAT THE APPENDAGES.

Step 4. Consume the torso. This doesn't serve any purpose besides filling up your tummy, and finishing them off.


I hope you'll all remember this when you pick up a bag of Gummy Bears, and know that there is an entire army of little Teddies trying to snag my rightful place as World Dictator.

Okay, Peoples. I'm out!


Dahlia said...

I will definitely remember this next time I eat any bear shaped snacks. Should these steps be followed while eating other foods shaped like living things (i.e. ginger bread people, cartoon shaped macaroni, Sour Patch Kids)???

How's the search for the 'or else' going? :)

Nadia Murti said...

Oh, absolutely.

I've got half of it down. The girls have a bet, and and the 'or else' for the Main Character Girl has been found, so now I need one for One Girl.