January 13, 2011

Diary of a Freshman: Excuses For Every Gym Activity

I am Nadia. Not Nadia The Fit. If anything, I am Nadia The Devious. Or Nadia The Strange. But for our purposes, I am Nadia The Devious. Why? Because I have an arsenal of excuses that never fails. Would you like to know them? Of course you would! (Feel free to borrow.)

1. Sorry, no finger/self-esteem-crushing volleyball for me! I dislocated my shoulder a few months ago.
I really did, but back in sixth grade, I used a similar method to escape volleyball by keeping a wrist brace (that can be bought at a supermarket) on for an extra month. This can get you out of A LOT of stuff. Tennis to basketball, you're done for the year if your doc's note says this.

2. Awkward unflattering unisex shorts? Can't, it's indecent, and that's against my religion.
If they ask which religion, say Islam, and then if they're like, "But you're not brown," yell, "RACIST!" and then explain that you're a convert. Or say that you're a religious Christian.

3. Touch football outside in 90 degree weather? No can do, allergies.
Seriously, tell an anecdote about how your eyes puff up and that your mom used to make you stay inside during recess because of your allergies, and they might just allow you to do your read in the shade of the gym, or at the very least, tan in the bleachers. (Those stories are true, and this does work... Well, it did in middle school.)

4. You want us to run a 6 minute mile? Oops, strained my knee!
Straining isn't a very serious injury--minor strains fix themselves within 10 days, and Health teachers know it simply as one of the most common joint injuries, where you overstretched a muscle, and that they can become very serious. Just point to a bit of your shin two inches below the knee, and be like, "Yeah, ow."

5. Jumping jacks? Ok! One, t-OW! Darn, hypermobility!
This is easy to pull off if you are flexible. People who are crazy flexible have bone problems. No one ever questions it. If interrogated, invoke the words "lock," "hurts," and "weak." (I just checked Wikipedia, and hypermobility goes hand in hand with dislocation! Man, I am gonna do nothing this semester!)

6. Man, I wish I could play, but I'm in a science experiment!
If you go to a school that puts a lot of value on science and science fair, then this will work. Make up an experiment about the relation of happiness to exercise and say that you are a part of the control group. He might be so flattered that there's a project about his subject that he'll let you sit to keep a resting heart rate.

Good luck doing nothing! And wish me luck! I'm putting #1 to the test on Tuesday!

Your Lazy Blogger,

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