November 03, 2010

Bird Demons

Myth: Birds are awesome.

Fact: Birds are demonic, winged rats.

I. Hate. Birds.

They're twitchy, they have weird covering (seriously, feathers? Why can't they just have normal fur or skin, like the rest of us?), and their beady, black eyes cover up a horrific, secret, ultimate plan to wipe humans off the face of the earth.

"Uh, BIRDS are being wiped off the face of the earth, actually," says that naive little reader--who is a secret bird ALLY! He can't be trusted.

So what, naive reader? Ok, their plan isn't going so well, but it still exists! It's still their intention, and it's the thought that counts.

I think I've decoded the secret Bird Plan Alpha. And it goes something like this.

Make friends with old people, who can tell you the history of the earth, as well as the news. THAT'S why the birds swarm around Ole' Johnson. Not because of those old sunflower seeds we all know she's chewed on and spit out.

The next phase is to set up safenests, surveillance stations, strongholds, and secret bunkers in enemy territory. (Why else would there be a nest in your garage?)

After that, quickly increase bird population. Of course, this effort has been hampered by the government's animal population control. Thank you, Uncle Sam! Nevertheless, it is imperative for the birds to increase their population, therefore it is imperative for us to stop them. Otherwise, they will take over. And rule the world (which would really bum me out, since I called the position of dictator). And then there would be bird poop EVERYWHERE.

After the total bird population increases to about 9 billion (1.5 times the human population), and then they'd attack, and we'd all end up looking like Prometheus--except for the whole immortality thing. Yeah, we'd die eventually.

So stop leaving worms lying around, before the enemy gets them!

Your Anti-Bird Blogger,

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